Broken Bits

I feel broken down, my body aches
My heart it bleeds from past mistakes
I can't stop the tears, they fall like rain
The words are spinning 'round my brain
So scared and feeling so alone
The coldness fills my every bone
No food, no sleep, can't think at all
Each way I turn, another wall
This darkness haunts my very soul
My world seems dead I've lost all control
The only weapon is my pen
Do I really have the strength to start again

Why me.....why us?

Although I am trying very hard to hold it together right I feel like I am failing.

My fear of the background check has become a reality. Sometimes the dumbest thing can put a big road block up that stops you in your tracks. We have been forced to withdraw our fost/adopt application and to re-apply in 2014, yes 2-0-1-4. My heart is broken. The phone call came while I was on my way home from work, I had just been day dreaming about taking our children to visit family in Nevada.

Before I continue know that we will re-apply.

What I don't understand is why something so small is such a big deal and why that should stop two wonderful and loving people from becoming parents when people that hurt and have a history of hurting and doing bad things to children become parents naturally and through the foster care system all the time. What did we do in life that was so bad as to keep us from becoming parents.

I feel very punished for crimes that I am not aware of. Is there really a God and I am being punished because I don't believe in God. Lots of people don't believe in God and they become parents everyday, lots of them are mean and evil people. "God" wouldn't let that happen would it/he/she? I am so numb right now. Maybe its not some punishment from a God that I do no believe in but a punishment from many gods that I have lost contact with. The reality is that I don't know what I have done to make this happen to me.

Anyone wanting to say "its not your fault" can just shut up right now. No matter which way you try to spin it, the fact that I am not going to be a Mom this year is fully my fault.

2 more years....it seems like forever.

Someday, I will be a Mom.....someday. When that day comes I will be the happiest person on the face of the planet.

In the mean time....I need to reconnect with my religion, any religion for that matter. I need to find me, with in me, and bring me out again. And someplace, my child waits, maybe our children wait.......I will find them, someday.

PROGRESS!!

We got a call from our social worker last night and we have meetings with her in two weeks! She is going to meet with us in her office first and we are meeting with her separately. I knew that she would do an interview with us one at a time but I thought it would be in our home. So I am a little relieved that it will not be in our home (although she will be coming over at some point). At the same time the individual interviews not being in our home make me a little nervous.

Personally I know that I will do fine in the interview and give all of the right answers. I am not trying to be cocky or think that I am perfect but I always interview well, I retain information really well, and I have been through one of these interviews before. My husband, however, gets nervous easy and you can see that nervousness all over his body. He might be better off if this was in our home where he is more comfortable. I am sure that all will be fine though. My interview is the day before his, so I can come home and go over the questions with him and help him prepare for his interview.

This is such a huge leap forward from where we have been and this means that we are getting very close to finishing our licensing process. Soon, we will be parents! (by soon I mean some time this year)

So whats left now? We still need to get all of our background check information in (we have Paul's, I am just finishing writing out a statement, and my letter is on the way to us and then I need to write out a statement). We have our first interviews scheduled for 2 weeks from now, and then its the home visit and that I think that just might be it!! All done! Of course, often times we have to do a second home visit because we could be missing something. I will be going over the check list and making sure that we have everything, anything that we are missing I will pick up when we get our income taxes back, likely to be February 1st. We will also be getting a van with our tax return. We cant wait for this new chapter in our lives to start!

Long Time, No Post....

I know, its been a long time since I last posted and I keep saying that I am gong to get better at posting more often. Well, here is a quick list of things that have happened since my last post:

I am now a supervisor at work.

I am working on loosing weight (still/again).

My Dad came to visit for Thanksgiving, it was sooooo good to see him!

I have started couponing and even did a class on it at work.

All of our adoption papers are finally in and today we go to get our finger prints. We still have a long road in front of us, well maybe not so long. I really depends on what comes back on our FBI checks and what we will need to get. Its likely going to be a bit of calling/writing to courts to get documents if they exist. I talked to the woman who does the checks and she also agreed that she doesn't see anything that we listed that could cause any major issues, a few more hoops to jump through, but no major issues. (yes, I am still nervous about that, nervous about anything that could lead to a no)

Paul and I are trying to stop talking about having a child as a "future child" or anything of the sort and trying to start talking about the fact that we do have a child but that our child is not living with us right now and that we are doing everything we can to bring her home. For the moment we have decided that we will only adopt one child, a girl. Later on we will likely adopt again.

Since we have been getting ourselves into the thought pattern that we have a daughter and that she is just not here right now, I have picked up several things for her. Nothing big, just little things that any girl would like. Hair accessories, nail polish and things like that. Of course, with couponing I was able to get these items free or nearly free. That really excites me because I know that I will be able to get her all sorts of little things that make a little girl fee special. I cant wait till she is here!

Life isn't fair.

I know that there are people out there that don't understand why I am so upset right now, its my birthday so I should be happy right? If you think that then your nuts!

34, yes that's right I am really really in my mid thirties and I am disgusted by it. No, I didn't wake up this morning and find gray hair. No, I don't feel like I look or feel my age. And no, I am not a Mom nor will my children (should I ever have any through adoption or natural) be my Dad's first grandchildren even though I am his only child.

I feel wronged and as though something has been stolen from me and its not the first time either. All of the things that should have been me are someone else and they don't care. No, I don't feel like they are currently intentionally rubbing it in my face but when I see pictures of my Dad in a t-shirt that says "grandpa" on it, it hurts me because that's not me, my child, or a genetic relation. I feel like my family has been ripped from me and although they know I exist they cut me out of their lives a little more everyday. All I really want is family, that connection, and I don't have it and I don't think that I ever will.

Life just isn't fair.

Leave me alone on my birthday.....

We are at that time of the year again and this year is feeling worse than all others before. This year will be a big 10 year mark for me.

When I was about 10 or 12, Gram (my Grandmother on my Mom's side) was asking me about my plans for life, when did I want to get married, have children and so on. I did a lot of thinking about this. How old would I be when I graduated high school, did I want to go to college and if so how long would that take and so on. After a day or so I came to an answer, I wanted to get married around age 20 and have a child when I was 24 and maybe more after that.

So we are....nearly 34, had my plan come true I would have a 10 year old this year but I have no children.

At age 25 I had the realization that I might not be able to have children and had been to several doctors and been through several treatments and had already had a couple of miscarriages and I made the decision then that if I did not have a successful pregnancy by 28 that I would adopt a child and hoped to be a parent before I was 30.

The years keep coming and going and still I have no children, I have had 13 miscarriages that were confirmed pregnancies and a few that I think I was pregnant but didn't test, and now I have not had a pregnancy in years.

So although I know that some of my friends, family and my husband want to do something on my birthday or for my birthday, don't. In case you have forgotten I have spent an entire birthday in tears before, frustrated and irritated with life. I don't want to go out, I don't want to go to dinner, I don't really want anything that someone can give me (unless of course you would like me to adopt your child), and I am really not wanting to hear or see any "Happy Birthday" remarks at all. Its not a happy birthday, its a reminder of what I don't have and who I am not and what goals in life I have not succeeded at.

Maybe, Maybe, MAYBE!!!

I think we have found the perfect apartment. Although we had said that we wanted to move into a house we have been looking at apartments just to make sure that we don't miss out on some great deal. Its a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, bottom floor, wood burning fireplace, out door pool, dry sauna, hot rub, work out room, indoor basketball court/fitness room, gated community, washer/dryer, huge freaking apartment.

So if you cant tell I am excited, but I am nervous too. What if something comes up and we cant move in. I know the lady said "worse case scenario you will pay first, last, and deposit but we will work with you on the last and give you 3 months to pay it" and she seemed very positive that we will get the apartment. But, I am cautious and am trying not to count my chickens before they hatch while staying positive.

PRIDE Graduation!

Yesterday was our last class and we have graduated PRIDE training! I was feeling very nervous about that yesterday and for no reason, I was just afraid that something would happen and we would have to redo all or part of some of the classes. Not everyone in our class graduated and some have make up work to do, but we did it! We finally got through it! I had to turn in the PRIDE training book that I have been dragging around with me for a year but they did give us a disk of the book which will make it easier when I want to look something up. We still have a lot to do before we are ready to adopt though.




So whats next.....

Now the push is really on to get moved, we looked at an apartment yesterday, I really liked it, Paul didn't like some of the people that he saw in the complex. I didn't notice what he did. Its possible that I was overly focused on the great 3 bedroom apartment, fire place, 4 play grounds, 2 pools, hot tub, small gym and the fact that there is a YMCA near by. Some times I have blinders on and don't see everything around me. Which is why I really prefer looking at these places together.




We still have a lot that we need to do and a lot that we need to get. Its a little stressful but we have the big and hard part done. The rest is just following the process.

Our Current To Do List:

Find A New Place
Move
Pet Shots (we have a shot clinic today for the dogs)
Get Copies Of Divorce Decrees and New Marriage License
TB Tests
Physicals
Finish Paper Work and Turn It In (cant do until we have moved)
FBI Checks
Create House Rules & Discipline
Create Evacuation Plan (cant do until we have moved)
Make Lists Of Schools/Licensed Day Care (cant do until we have moved)
Car Insurance (we need something new and cheaper)


Things We Know We Need Once We Have Moved:

4 Beds (twin beds or bunk beds, no we don't want 4 kids but want to make sure we are prepared for anything)
4 Twin Sized Mattress Covers
4 Sets Of Twin Sized Bedding
4 Pillows
4 New Towels
4 Small Dressers or 2 Large Ones
First Aide Kit
CPR Mask
New Fire Extinguisher
Outlet Covers
2 Laundry Baskets
Locking Door Nob For Our Bedroom
A Way To Lock Up Cleaning Supplies
Toys, Clothes, Shoes, Books
The List Could Go On A Mile.


Today we are taking the dogs to get their shots, this should be fun since they are still not all getting along so we have to take separate cars and will need to pull out the muzzles. Also, we are going to look some more for rentals.

Feeling very nervous!

I don't know what the deal is, but I feel very nervous. Yesterday I finally got my Washington drivers license (the picture is really bad), and they made me take the written test since I hadn't taken it since I was 15, but I did get a 100% on the test. Today is our last adoption class. We expect it to be a longer class and there will be a panel of foster kids in the class today. Sunday we have the shot clinic for the dogs and we are going to go look at this super nice apartment complex that we have been talking about. Next weekend we start the CPR/First Aide/Blood Born Deceases classes.

I guess maybe its that everything is coming together and we are getting closer and closer to our homestudy which will lead to placement. We still have awhile (a few months) but its coming up quick. This month just flew by.

Whats getting to me right now is some work stuff, moving, finishing PRIDE class, pet shot clinics, saving money, our current apartment complex, CPR class, and of the homestudy that we are not even close to having yet. There is just so much that we need and so much that we need to do.

(oh, my arm lumps turned out to be torn muscles and mostly healed up now)

Yesterday didn't go so well.

I did manage to re-blue my hair, clean house, clean the rat cage, clean the cat boxes, do the laundry, wash all of our blankets and bedding, and got a lot of reading done in my book, but the last part of things that I wanted to do before Paul got off work didn't go so well. I had intended to go get my nails done, go to the library to pick up another adoption book that I have been wanting and go have the lumps in my arm looked at (I have 3 now and they are freaking me out). However, when I went to the nail salon my day went to crap. The woman clipped, with nail clippers, my acrylic nails, breaking and cracking them and that made many of them too short and none of them even. I got up and walked out and had to go to the store pick up some polish and things to fix my nails. Grrr!

Today should be a good day though!

We are going to a friends/neighbors wedding after PRIDE class. I couldn't be happier for them!! After class we are going to drop by the library and pick up my book and tomorrow I am going to the doctor to have the lumps looked at.

Of course we also have class today too, last class was a little intense so we will see who actually shows up today and who doesn't. I am pretty sick of the snide aptitude of the "teacher" and her husband, hopefully they have dropped out. After this class we will have one more left!



We are still on the search for a place to move to.

Still looking....

This morning I thought that I had found the answers to our moving need. A 3 bedroom, 2 bath house with a fully fenced huge back yard and tons and tons of parking area's and storage and it was here in Spanaway and for a really good price a month. So we went searching and we found it. :( It was a dump. In front of it (on the same drive way) were two trashy mobile homes. Not that I have anything against mobiles, but these were tore up, trashy, crap in the yards, and not good people hanging out in front of them. So not its back to searching. Paul really wants to stay in the area and I agree but hes not giving me much wiggle room. I found another that's midland, which is about 2 miles in the other direction of where he wants to be so hes not interested in it. I understand his point and I hope that he understands mine too. When it comes down to "we need to move in the next couple of weeks" time, if we haven't found the best spot we can get right in the area he wants, we will have to choose a slightly different area. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I want to move to the other side of the county or anything, but we might end up a few miles in any direction from where he really wants to be.



3 more weeks of PRIDE to go, then its on to CPR, Blood Born Diseases and First Aide, by the end of all of that we need to be moved and ready to turn in our forms! We now have a good amount of money in our savings account, in part due to our putting money in there and in part due to this neat savings account we have that takes $1 from our checking account every time we use our ATM cards and we never carry cash. Oh, and I went over (again) the list of stuff that they look for on a background check that will keep you from adopting or being a foster parent, I know I need to stop worrying so much but we still have nothing on that list. There are some other things that come up on the questions that I am concerned about but I think we should be fine as we are being fully open and honest with things rather than having them pop up on some unknown place.

One last note, I am still not feeling well.

Getting Down To Business

Well, things are starting to get serious around here. We are a couple of weeks away from the PRIDE classes and we got the fost/adopt application in the mail yesterday. There is so much that we need to do....

Get my WA drivers license (I still have NV)
Get remarried
Create a good solid budget and start making cuts
Save money so we can move around the end of Aug./beginning of Sept.
Get copies of our divorce decrees from our pasts
And the list goes on and on and on!

Long list or no, we are so freaking excited, and nervous. If things go nice and smooth its possible for us to have children in a few months. Just saying that scares me and excites me at the same time. Will I be a good Mom?

I have wanted this for so long and now we are coming up to making it happen and I fear that I wont be a good parent or that I will be to protective or that I will baby them or, or, or, or. Well, you can see where I am going on that. Although I know that a lot of my fears are silly, there is one that I know isn't so silly. Because I have wanted this for so long I know that there will be a "honeymoon" period once we have our children and I don't want to find myself stuck in the mindset of "everything is wonderful" when I know that things will not always be wonderful and that we will have ups and downs. Other fost/adopt Mom's that I have talked to say that the fact that I am aware of this will help. I'm so nervous and Paul....he seems to be cool and relaxed about it all and I don't think that he worries as much as I do about it all.

Getting Started

I think I have tried to write this blog a million times but I get scared and stop. Its something that I am trying to over come. You see, I fear that I may write this blog and then something will get in my way to stop us from creating our family. For me, this fear is reasonable since I have been trying to get pregnant and have our own babies for years and although I have been pregnant many times we still have no children.

It would seem that I have always known that I would need to adopt as this is not the first time that I have been on this path and attending adoption and foster care classes, but somethings and some relationships are not meant to be, so I know I stopped the classes before for a good reason. This time around, I know I am on the right path and with the right person, but yes, I am still scared that something will stop us, but I am very hopeful that nothing will and we are looking forward to being parents.

Our foster care and adoption classes start the first Saturday of August and then in September we have CPR classes, so things are still far off but seem so close at the same time. After our classes is when we will put in our official application for the fost/adopt program and start down the possible long path of getting approved and the scary moment of the background checks. I fear that we will have a lot of hoops to jump through when it comes to background checks, no that either of us have ever done anything that should keep us from adopting but it could make them look at us funny and they could require extra classes. Fingers crossed it all goes well.

The background checks are not our only major hurdle to get over, there is also the fact that we must move and that may be hard to do. As we know that we want to adopt at least 1 boy and 1 girl, our little 2 bedroom apartment will just not work. Of course there is also the fact that our apartment complex is not and has not done what they should as far as repairs are concerned. We still have a hole in our bathroom ceiling from a leak that came from the upstairs neighbors, water damaged carpets, and some of our neighbors are not people that we want our children around.

So moving will mean higher cost of rent and new furniture. But on the plus side, as we are moving in we can child proof things in the way that the home study requires and we can be sure that we don't miss anything, and that could make the home study go far faster!

We have so many thoughts for our future, maybe we will move back home to Nevada one of these years....