Broken Bits

I feel broken down, my body aches
My heart it bleeds from past mistakes
I can't stop the tears, they fall like rain
The words are spinning 'round my brain
So scared and feeling so alone
The coldness fills my every bone
No food, no sleep, can't think at all
Each way I turn, another wall
This darkness haunts my very soul
My world seems dead I've lost all control
The only weapon is my pen
Do I really have the strength to start again

Why me.....why us?

Although I am trying very hard to hold it together right I feel like I am failing.

My fear of the background check has become a reality. Sometimes the dumbest thing can put a big road block up that stops you in your tracks. We have been forced to withdraw our fost/adopt application and to re-apply in 2014, yes 2-0-1-4. My heart is broken. The phone call came while I was on my way home from work, I had just been day dreaming about taking our children to visit family in Nevada.

Before I continue know that we will re-apply.

What I don't understand is why something so small is such a big deal and why that should stop two wonderful and loving people from becoming parents when people that hurt and have a history of hurting and doing bad things to children become parents naturally and through the foster care system all the time. What did we do in life that was so bad as to keep us from becoming parents.

I feel very punished for crimes that I am not aware of. Is there really a God and I am being punished because I don't believe in God. Lots of people don't believe in God and they become parents everyday, lots of them are mean and evil people. "God" wouldn't let that happen would it/he/she? I am so numb right now. Maybe its not some punishment from a God that I do no believe in but a punishment from many gods that I have lost contact with. The reality is that I don't know what I have done to make this happen to me.

Anyone wanting to say "its not your fault" can just shut up right now. No matter which way you try to spin it, the fact that I am not going to be a Mom this year is fully my fault.

2 more years....it seems like forever.

Someday, I will be a Mom.....someday. When that day comes I will be the happiest person on the face of the planet.

In the mean time....I need to reconnect with my religion, any religion for that matter. I need to find me, with in me, and bring me out again. And someplace, my child waits, maybe our children wait.......I will find them, someday.

AHHHHH!

Today has been a really crappy day. I am completely stressed and feel like I am on the brink of snapping any moment. Granted, Mondays are usually rough at work but this one hit me even harder and most of it had nothing to do with work at all.

I hate to get overly personal but if your a woman you might understand this one. Have you ever had a late period? The one that you know is coming but its stalled for no reason at all. Your hormones are at their peak, everything irritates you, your head throbs with vicious head aches, you want to eat everything in sight, and you have cramps like you have never had before.

Needless to say everything at work today feels like it went wrong, I couldn't get anything right, my boss seemed annoyed with me (I was annoyed with everyone), our weekly supervisor meeting lasted 45 minutes longer than it should have (with my husband blowing up my phone, that was on vibrate in my pocket, because I hadn't text him yet) and the day just sucked.

On my way home I stopped at the store to get some medicated shampoo for the dogs because they are pulling their fur out due to some weird itchy dry skin thing (no fleas) and everyone in the store was in my way. I get out of the store and bump the van next to me with my hip and the woman in the van glares at me like I smacked it with a hammer and left a fat dent. All this while talking on the phone with my husband who wouldn't stop talking long enough to hear anything I said to him.

Once I was finally headed down the road my husband called me again to tell me about a letter that we got from DSHS. Again they have sent our adoption papers back to us saying that things were not in our paper work and those things ARE in the paper work. I am so sick of that! Last time they even highlighted answers to questions saying that I didn't answer them. All this when I thought that we were done with all of the paper work from the application.

Its 5:45pm, my husband is off work at 6:30pm, I haven't made dinner, I don't want to make dinner and I don't really want to eat anything at all. I just want a hot cup of tea, my PJ's, a movie on my lap top and to be in bed. I am really done with this day.

Leash your freaking dogs!

Some people really amaze me! As part of our fost/adopt paperwork we have to have to get all of our pets up to date on their shots. So, yesterday we took the dogs to a shot clinic in Puyallup. They got their shots, a quick exam, and flea and tick treatment. That all went fairly smooth, what didn't go smooth was caused by some idiot woman and her two unleashed dogs. This mobile clinic advertises all over the place and as part of their ad it clearly reads that all dogs/cats must be leashed or kenneled. So there we are with two of three of our un-other-dog friendly dogs (the 3rd was in the truck) and we are standing there with other people that have cats (the dogs are cat friendly) and we are trying to get paperwork filled out. This woman pulls up, windows rolled down and parks and gets out of her car. One of her dogs jumps right out the door with her and bee lines for our dogs which are now barking like mad dogs and the woman walked slowly at first and then started to run when I started to yell panicky "grab that dog" as I tried to back away as fast as possible with our two dogs. Just as she gets the one the other jumps out of her car window and she couldn't seem to figure out what to do. By now I have the dogs on the other side of our car and Paul is asking for this woman to leash her dogs, but the woman only has 1 leash. I just have to ask why in the world you would to a shot clinic in a parking lot on a busy road with other dogs and people that you don't know and you never know what could possibly happen and only bring 1 leash! Not to mention allowing your dogs to jump from your car and run at other people and their dogs. Had she done what she was supposed to do and followed the rules for the shot clinic we would have had no issues what so ever.



Today I ran into more unleashed dog issues. Since we are really hoping to get into this other apartment complex (the one I mentioned yesterday) and the apartment they want to place us in is right next to the main playground in the complex, I had planned to really work hard with our dogs over the next two weeks about barking, barking/reacting to kids and other dogs, and their manners at the door when going in an out and I had planned on spending at least 20 minuets a day doing this with a walk. I figured the walk would be good for them and good for me too. So we walked to leave the complex and I was going to walk them down a near by road that has many dogs behind fences and kids every where. I couldn't even make it out of the complex. We got near the exit and this little dachshund runs out from near an apartment barking and charging us. Our dogs are little (about 25 pounds if that) but this dog meant business. The owner ran out just in the nick of time and grabbed her dog. Disappointing, we wouldn't be getting out of the complex but I didn't want our 20 minuet walk to turn into 5 so we went the other direction to walk around the complex a bit. Just as I go to the other side we came across another unleashed dog of about the same size as the first one (but different color). I never saw an owner for this one but I was able to get away from it with out a dog fight.

I just don't understand how pet owners can be so irresponsible. In neither case were we in a dog park, in a place where there are not leash laws, nor were we in a place where we were not likely to come across other people and their dogs, in fact its the opposite on all accounts. Whats more is that when they have to run after their unleashed dogs that are coming towards mine they look at me like I am the bad one, they are the ones breaking the law and being stupid.

AHHHHHH!


**side note, we have not heard back about the apartment yet, fingers crossed**