Why me.....why us?

Although I am trying very hard to hold it together right I feel like I am failing.

My fear of the background check has become a reality. Sometimes the dumbest thing can put a big road block up that stops you in your tracks. We have been forced to withdraw our fost/adopt application and to re-apply in 2014, yes 2-0-1-4. My heart is broken. The phone call came while I was on my way home from work, I had just been day dreaming about taking our children to visit family in Nevada.

Before I continue know that we will re-apply.

What I don't understand is why something so small is such a big deal and why that should stop two wonderful and loving people from becoming parents when people that hurt and have a history of hurting and doing bad things to children become parents naturally and through the foster care system all the time. What did we do in life that was so bad as to keep us from becoming parents.

I feel very punished for crimes that I am not aware of. Is there really a God and I am being punished because I don't believe in God. Lots of people don't believe in God and they become parents everyday, lots of them are mean and evil people. "God" wouldn't let that happen would it/he/she? I am so numb right now. Maybe its not some punishment from a God that I do no believe in but a punishment from many gods that I have lost contact with. The reality is that I don't know what I have done to make this happen to me.

Anyone wanting to say "its not your fault" can just shut up right now. No matter which way you try to spin it, the fact that I am not going to be a Mom this year is fully my fault.

2 more years....it seems like forever.

Someday, I will be a Mom.....someday. When that day comes I will be the happiest person on the face of the planet.

In the mean time....I need to reconnect with my religion, any religion for that matter. I need to find me, with in me, and bring me out again. And someplace, my child waits, maybe our children wait.......I will find them, someday.

We Are Moving!!!

We got the apartment!!! Its beyond perfect!!

We will be moving in next Friday!

Not much left to do before we turn in our fost/adopt application!!!

Maybe, Maybe, MAYBE!!!

I think we have found the perfect apartment. Although we had said that we wanted to move into a house we have been looking at apartments just to make sure that we don't miss out on some great deal. Its a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, bottom floor, wood burning fireplace, out door pool, dry sauna, hot rub, work out room, indoor basketball court/fitness room, gated community, washer/dryer, huge freaking apartment.

So if you cant tell I am excited, but I am nervous too. What if something comes up and we cant move in. I know the lady said "worse case scenario you will pay first, last, and deposit but we will work with you on the last and give you 3 months to pay it" and she seemed very positive that we will get the apartment. But, I am cautious and am trying not to count my chickens before they hatch while staying positive.

PRIDE Graduation!

Yesterday was our last class and we have graduated PRIDE training! I was feeling very nervous about that yesterday and for no reason, I was just afraid that something would happen and we would have to redo all or part of some of the classes. Not everyone in our class graduated and some have make up work to do, but we did it! We finally got through it! I had to turn in the PRIDE training book that I have been dragging around with me for a year but they did give us a disk of the book which will make it easier when I want to look something up. We still have a lot to do before we are ready to adopt though.




So whats next.....

Now the push is really on to get moved, we looked at an apartment yesterday, I really liked it, Paul didn't like some of the people that he saw in the complex. I didn't notice what he did. Its possible that I was overly focused on the great 3 bedroom apartment, fire place, 4 play grounds, 2 pools, hot tub, small gym and the fact that there is a YMCA near by. Some times I have blinders on and don't see everything around me. Which is why I really prefer looking at these places together.




We still have a lot that we need to do and a lot that we need to get. Its a little stressful but we have the big and hard part done. The rest is just following the process.

Our Current To Do List:

Find A New Place
Move
Pet Shots (we have a shot clinic today for the dogs)
Get Copies Of Divorce Decrees and New Marriage License
TB Tests
Physicals
Finish Paper Work and Turn It In (cant do until we have moved)
FBI Checks
Create House Rules & Discipline
Create Evacuation Plan (cant do until we have moved)
Make Lists Of Schools/Licensed Day Care (cant do until we have moved)
Car Insurance (we need something new and cheaper)


Things We Know We Need Once We Have Moved:

4 Beds (twin beds or bunk beds, no we don't want 4 kids but want to make sure we are prepared for anything)
4 Twin Sized Mattress Covers
4 Sets Of Twin Sized Bedding
4 Pillows
4 New Towels
4 Small Dressers or 2 Large Ones
First Aide Kit
CPR Mask
New Fire Extinguisher
Outlet Covers
2 Laundry Baskets
Locking Door Nob For Our Bedroom
A Way To Lock Up Cleaning Supplies
Toys, Clothes, Shoes, Books
The List Could Go On A Mile.


Today we are taking the dogs to get their shots, this should be fun since they are still not all getting along so we have to take separate cars and will need to pull out the muzzles. Also, we are going to look some more for rentals.

Feeling very nervous!

I don't know what the deal is, but I feel very nervous. Yesterday I finally got my Washington drivers license (the picture is really bad), and they made me take the written test since I hadn't taken it since I was 15, but I did get a 100% on the test. Today is our last adoption class. We expect it to be a longer class and there will be a panel of foster kids in the class today. Sunday we have the shot clinic for the dogs and we are going to go look at this super nice apartment complex that we have been talking about. Next weekend we start the CPR/First Aide/Blood Born Deceases classes.

I guess maybe its that everything is coming together and we are getting closer and closer to our homestudy which will lead to placement. We still have awhile (a few months) but its coming up quick. This month just flew by.

Whats getting to me right now is some work stuff, moving, finishing PRIDE class, pet shot clinics, saving money, our current apartment complex, CPR class, and of the homestudy that we are not even close to having yet. There is just so much that we need and so much that we need to do.

(oh, my arm lumps turned out to be torn muscles and mostly healed up now)

Yesterday didn't go so well.

I did manage to re-blue my hair, clean house, clean the rat cage, clean the cat boxes, do the laundry, wash all of our blankets and bedding, and got a lot of reading done in my book, but the last part of things that I wanted to do before Paul got off work didn't go so well. I had intended to go get my nails done, go to the library to pick up another adoption book that I have been wanting and go have the lumps in my arm looked at (I have 3 now and they are freaking me out). However, when I went to the nail salon my day went to crap. The woman clipped, with nail clippers, my acrylic nails, breaking and cracking them and that made many of them too short and none of them even. I got up and walked out and had to go to the store pick up some polish and things to fix my nails. Grrr!

Today should be a good day though!

We are going to a friends/neighbors wedding after PRIDE class. I couldn't be happier for them!! After class we are going to drop by the library and pick up my book and tomorrow I am going to the doctor to have the lumps looked at.

Of course we also have class today too, last class was a little intense so we will see who actually shows up today and who doesn't. I am pretty sick of the snide aptitude of the "teacher" and her husband, hopefully they have dropped out. After this class we will have one more left!



We are still on the search for a place to move to.

Feeling a little stressed this morning....

I have so much on my mind right now, all of the things that we need to get done and its giving me a real sense of stress and urgency even though it shouldn't. We still have two weeks of PRIDE classes left and then our first aide/CPR classes the next month and we still have other stuff to do to before we can even think about finishing our paper work and turning it in. Yet I feel stressed to move from this apartment like I have to do it right now. Really, the only reason that we are here is because its cheap and we can save money while we are living here so that we can move and do all of the other things that we need to do before we turn in our paper work. I just cant shake the stress of feeling like we need to be moved. I know deep down that when the time comes I will find us the right house at the right price. Just the other day I was talking to a guy about his rental and had him talked down from $1,500 for a deposit to $800. I really need to stop focusing so much on moving and really look into all of the other things we need to do, like getting our physicals done, getting the pets their shots, changing the oil in the car, and so on. Also adding to my stress at the moment is this odd lump in my arm, you cant see it, but I can feel it, its on the muscle and sore to the touch and hard. If it gets worse I may need to go to the doctor.

Fingers crossed!

We just took a drive down this little dirt road near a for rent sign. At the end of this little bitty drive way that is covered in trees and ferns and all sorts of Washington underbrush was this cute 3 bedroom house that over looks the pond in Bresemann Forest. There were massive sized hammocks hanging in trees and we could just imagine living there. It is, however, slightly out of our price range, not an impossible distance but far enough to make me squirm a bit. I tried to get a viewing of the inside of it today but no luck, I will try again tomorrow. Fingers crossed!!

Still looking....

This morning I thought that I had found the answers to our moving need. A 3 bedroom, 2 bath house with a fully fenced huge back yard and tons and tons of parking area's and storage and it was here in Spanaway and for a really good price a month. So we went searching and we found it. :( It was a dump. In front of it (on the same drive way) were two trashy mobile homes. Not that I have anything against mobiles, but these were tore up, trashy, crap in the yards, and not good people hanging out in front of them. So not its back to searching. Paul really wants to stay in the area and I agree but hes not giving me much wiggle room. I found another that's midland, which is about 2 miles in the other direction of where he wants to be so hes not interested in it. I understand his point and I hope that he understands mine too. When it comes down to "we need to move in the next couple of weeks" time, if we haven't found the best spot we can get right in the area he wants, we will have to choose a slightly different area. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I want to move to the other side of the county or anything, but we might end up a few miles in any direction from where he really wants to be.



3 more weeks of PRIDE to go, then its on to CPR, Blood Born Diseases and First Aide, by the end of all of that we need to be moved and ready to turn in our forms! We now have a good amount of money in our savings account, in part due to our putting money in there and in part due to this neat savings account we have that takes $1 from our checking account every time we use our ATM cards and we never carry cash. Oh, and I went over (again) the list of stuff that they look for on a background check that will keep you from adopting or being a foster parent, I know I need to stop worrying so much but we still have nothing on that list. There are some other things that come up on the questions that I am concerned about but I think we should be fine as we are being fully open and honest with things rather than having them pop up on some unknown place.

One last note, I am still not feeling well.

Wedding Bells!

One week from tomorrow Paul and I will be re-married, not that we were ever unmarried but due to an error we are not 100% married. I am excited about the wedding, new friends Mandi and Tony will be joining us as well as Paul's brother David. We will always celebrate our first wedding anniversary as the real one.

It took me a while but I finally got a hold of someone to marry us. I had talked to one person who was going to do it for us for $250 at her home but after spending a week trying to get a hold of her again (we first talked about this back in March) and not getting through to her I said forget her and moved on. I called every judge in the area that does wedding and they were all either booked for the next several weeks or on vacation through August. Then I came across Cynthia online and gave her a call. That was that, we are all set for 7/30 at 1pm, at her home in North Tacoma, and for only $125!! It really seems like it was all meant to be. She sent me a list of different ring ceremonies and reminded me that this is a great time to renew our vows.

At first I didn't even think about renewing our vows. I mean I know that we want to at some point but now? Then I read through the vow options that Cynthia sent me, some were based on a couple and some were based on children and that got me thinking. This is a perfect time to renew our vows. We are opening a new chapter in our lives. Things have been going much better for us and we have really grown as individuals and as a couple, and a lot of the mistakes from our past are truly in our past and we can see them never happening again. No we are not perfect and we will never be, but we will always be perfect for each other.

As our new chapter in life opens we are looking forward to getting remarried next weekend, our adopt classes (15 days away, but who's counting...), moving into a larger and better home, the homestudy and adoption. The next 6 months for us is going to be huge and full of changes!

No get up and go....

We didn't get a thing done yesterday..... I am super antsy and Paul is trying to understand why but doesn't seem to be be getting it. The best way I can explain it to him is the feeling of needing to do something. Unfortunately he sees this as me needing to go out and do something and although that's fun, that's nor really the issue.

Whats making me antsy is this big fat stack of paper work that's packed with personal questions and my fear that I might spell a word wrong or that the reader wont be able to read my writing or that Paul's forms might have bad grammar and miss spelled words and that no one will know what the heck we are writing.

I am antsy about sitting down with the social worker and talking. They will ask a lot of personal questions and I know that I will be nervous (since I am nervous just thinking about it now)and I want the social worker to see us for who we are. Seeing you for who you are may make some fost/adopt parents nervous but I feel that they need to see that of us. We are not always as we seem. Paul may be a clown and out going and laid back but what you don't see is that he is very organized, emotional, and thrives on structure. I am relaxed on the outside and as you see in my writings I am stressed on the inside, and I think that the easiest way to describe myself is by saying "organized chaos" and that's because I love to plan and have lists of things to do and I use a day planner and try to keep things going as smoothly as possible but......some times....life happens and I change everything in an instant and go a different way. I always keep the same goal but the route to get there is suddenly different.

And, don't forget about the homestudy its self when the social worker will inspect my house.....

Of course, when talking about me being antsy I cant leave out the fact that we have more than just the paperwork and homestudy to do. Before we get there we need to do the PRIDE classes (19 days till they start), we need to get re-married (planning for 7/30/11), I need to get my Washington state drivers license (next week), we need to save money to move (we started this week and have over $100 after paying bills, that's a good start for us), we need to move (ug, finding a place with our credit is hard to do and finding a place that we can afford is just as hard but I am looking already) and then we need stuff.....beds, dressers, toys, home safety equipment and more.

So what can I do now to ease my anxiousness, well, I am going to get started on the paperwork today, going to clean my already clean house, do laundry, clean the rat cage, look at profiles of kids online (there are a couple of kids that I am super interested in) and search for paperwork that we need but have miss placed, and I will also send off for paperwork on my divorces!

Taking a look at a real time line that may be possible, August - PRIDE classes, September - CPR/first aide classes, get everything together for the application, Mid September to Early October - move and turn in application (likely to turn in application as soon as we have a move in date rather than waiting till we are moved in), October - homestudy, November - placement. Yes that's right, 4 short months. Paul talks about this like its a long time from now, and I see his point, that's in 4 months but something keeps chiming in my head "THAT'S IN 4 MONTHS" Wow.....4 months. Yes this process could take a little longer, yes would could have more classes and things to do, but yes it could go faster too....

Ok, trying to find my get up and go. Going to work on some paperwork.....