Why me.....why us?

Although I am trying very hard to hold it together right I feel like I am failing.

My fear of the background check has become a reality. Sometimes the dumbest thing can put a big road block up that stops you in your tracks. We have been forced to withdraw our fost/adopt application and to re-apply in 2014, yes 2-0-1-4. My heart is broken. The phone call came while I was on my way home from work, I had just been day dreaming about taking our children to visit family in Nevada.

Before I continue know that we will re-apply.

What I don't understand is why something so small is such a big deal and why that should stop two wonderful and loving people from becoming parents when people that hurt and have a history of hurting and doing bad things to children become parents naturally and through the foster care system all the time. What did we do in life that was so bad as to keep us from becoming parents.

I feel very punished for crimes that I am not aware of. Is there really a God and I am being punished because I don't believe in God. Lots of people don't believe in God and they become parents everyday, lots of them are mean and evil people. "God" wouldn't let that happen would it/he/she? I am so numb right now. Maybe its not some punishment from a God that I do no believe in but a punishment from many gods that I have lost contact with. The reality is that I don't know what I have done to make this happen to me.

Anyone wanting to say "its not your fault" can just shut up right now. No matter which way you try to spin it, the fact that I am not going to be a Mom this year is fully my fault.

2 more years....it seems like forever.

Someday, I will be a Mom.....someday. When that day comes I will be the happiest person on the face of the planet.

In the mean time....I need to reconnect with my religion, any religion for that matter. I need to find me, with in me, and bring me out again. And someplace, my child waits, maybe our children wait.......I will find them, someday.

Excitement!

I couldn't be more excited! Our background checks came back, and that is a huge step forward for us! It has been one of my big fears, that something from our past would pop up on a background check and our path to parenthood would come to a halt. We are pleasantly surprised.

Although while reading through our next steps I hear Ricky saying "Lucy, you have some explaining to do" its not as bad or as scary as I feared and the person that is going through all of our information for this part of it is really nice and easy to work with.

So, next up for us is to get a hold of some documents (already sent for), write out some statements (already mostly done), turn those things in and then we should be to the home visit. Things should really start moving fast now!

In a few short months, we WILL be parents!

Our little girl, our first child....she is out there, we just have to find her and bring her home.

No get up and go....

We didn't get a thing done yesterday..... I am super antsy and Paul is trying to understand why but doesn't seem to be be getting it. The best way I can explain it to him is the feeling of needing to do something. Unfortunately he sees this as me needing to go out and do something and although that's fun, that's nor really the issue.

Whats making me antsy is this big fat stack of paper work that's packed with personal questions and my fear that I might spell a word wrong or that the reader wont be able to read my writing or that Paul's forms might have bad grammar and miss spelled words and that no one will know what the heck we are writing.

I am antsy about sitting down with the social worker and talking. They will ask a lot of personal questions and I know that I will be nervous (since I am nervous just thinking about it now)and I want the social worker to see us for who we are. Seeing you for who you are may make some fost/adopt parents nervous but I feel that they need to see that of us. We are not always as we seem. Paul may be a clown and out going and laid back but what you don't see is that he is very organized, emotional, and thrives on structure. I am relaxed on the outside and as you see in my writings I am stressed on the inside, and I think that the easiest way to describe myself is by saying "organized chaos" and that's because I love to plan and have lists of things to do and I use a day planner and try to keep things going as smoothly as possible but......some times....life happens and I change everything in an instant and go a different way. I always keep the same goal but the route to get there is suddenly different.

And, don't forget about the homestudy its self when the social worker will inspect my house.....

Of course, when talking about me being antsy I cant leave out the fact that we have more than just the paperwork and homestudy to do. Before we get there we need to do the PRIDE classes (19 days till they start), we need to get re-married (planning for 7/30/11), I need to get my Washington state drivers license (next week), we need to save money to move (we started this week and have over $100 after paying bills, that's a good start for us), we need to move (ug, finding a place with our credit is hard to do and finding a place that we can afford is just as hard but I am looking already) and then we need stuff.....beds, dressers, toys, home safety equipment and more.

So what can I do now to ease my anxiousness, well, I am going to get started on the paperwork today, going to clean my already clean house, do laundry, clean the rat cage, look at profiles of kids online (there are a couple of kids that I am super interested in) and search for paperwork that we need but have miss placed, and I will also send off for paperwork on my divorces!

Taking a look at a real time line that may be possible, August - PRIDE classes, September - CPR/first aide classes, get everything together for the application, Mid September to Early October - move and turn in application (likely to turn in application as soon as we have a move in date rather than waiting till we are moved in), October - homestudy, November - placement. Yes that's right, 4 short months. Paul talks about this like its a long time from now, and I see his point, that's in 4 months but something keeps chiming in my head "THAT'S IN 4 MONTHS" Wow.....4 months. Yes this process could take a little longer, yes would could have more classes and things to do, but yes it could go faster too....

Ok, trying to find my get up and go. Going to work on some paperwork.....