Hope...

Last night I dreamed about meeting our daughter for the first time. She was shy, I was trying not to be shy, Paul was nervous...but it went very well. After a few minutes we meshed very well together. At the end she was sent to her room so that we could talk to the social worker. Once we were ready to leave I couldn't stop my tears from falling. They were tears of sadness and joy all at once. I didn't want to leave her there and was sad that we had to go. At the same time I was experiencing the the most joy because we had decided on the next time we would get together and how we would proceed with moving her into our home. She came running out of her room at the last minute before we left and asked me why I was crying and I told her that I was crying because I was so happy and told her that I would see her again in a few days. I cried the whole night in my dream. Remembering those emotions now brings tears to my eyes. Knowing those emotions and experiencing this dream gives me hope. Currently our hopeful timeline is to have all of our documents in by the middle of January, have our foster care license by April or May, be placed by June and finalize the adoption by December. Lets hope it all goes as planed. http://www.giveforward.com/marseillanadoption#

Someday...

Someday, all of these hope and dreams and wishes will come true. Someday, this blog will turn from being about my ups and downs and fears, and will be about my life as a Mom. Someday, I will look into my child's eyes for the first time and try to hold back the tears that well in my eyes every time I think about that moment. Someday, my child or children will get mad at me because they want something and I am not allowing them to have it. (it will happen) Someday, my child or children will know that I have wanted them so much and for so long that even when they are angry with me or they have done something wrong that I will still be looking at them with love. Someday, I will hold my child's hand, even if it embarrasses them. Someday, I will get the chance to tell my child or children how much I love them, every day, maybe even many times a day. Someday, my child or children will be sick and I will be there to care for them. Someday, they will make bad choices and do the wrong thing and I will be there to help guide them back to the right road and learn from what they did. Someday, a child will call me Mom and I will try very hard to go with it and be flooded with emotions. Someday, I will read to them and try my best to be silly with them. Someday, I will help my child or children get ready for school and then cry when they leave the first day (or every day for a week or month...). Someday, I will show a child that even though they were not created in my body that they were created by my love and that I fought to find them and be their Mom.

Letter to my daughter, where ever you are.

Dear Yzabella, Today is the second day of school. I can only imagine the wonderful things your doing and bright and beautiful person your becoming. It is very hard for me not to be with you but I hope that we are together soon. At the beginning of every school year I think about taking you school shopping and how hard it will be for me to drop you off for your first day of school. My heart aches when I know that this is another school year, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and other holidays with out you. Someday I hope to find you. I have no idea what grade your in or what school you are in. I only know you as Yzabella as that is your name in my dreams. Every night when I go to sleep you find me in my dreams. I am always happy to see you and hold you tight in my arms. When my alarm clock goes off in the morning it is very difficult to leave you. Once I am awake I can still feel your presence and smell you on my skin. Our souls are joined and they have been for years. Some day I hope to find you and truly hold you in my arms forever. Until we are together, please keep faith in me and know that I am searching for you and trying to find a way to bring us together. I love you so much that I do not have words to describe it. Stay safe, be a good girl, and I will see you tonight in my dreams. Love Always, Mom

Fingers Crossed

As of yesterday I am on vacation this week! No, I am not going any place but I have a lot to do. Providing that things go according to plan today I am going to be preparing our home for children! Yes, you read that right. The whole thing is a long story that I don't want to post all over the internet but the gist of it all is that my husband is the legal (although not actual) father of a set of twins (boy and a girl). They are not living with their Mom currently and she has agreed to allow us to have custody. I know, the plan doesn't make it permanent but in the future we are going to file to make it permanent and change the kids last names (yes, Mom agreed to that too, actually she suggested it). Really it has me all in a bit of a panic. Wanting to make sure that I have every last detail and know every last detail of every law around this. I am sure that if you listened to my thoughts that you would think that I am either a law dictionary or I have gone mad. Truly I am sort of feeling like both. Currently I am trying really hard not to get my hopes up until the papers have been signed. Once that happens and the ball is rolling then I will be a bouncing mess of energy with 5 million things to do and trying to get them done all at once. My husband is, as always, careful and cautious and hardly wants to talk about it all let alone anything else at this point. We do expect that there is going to be a bit of an uproar by some of the Mom's family, but, when it comes down to it, they don't get a say, in fact I don't get one either. Its all between the legal parents. This may not be my ideal way of becoming a Mom, and in fact I will actually be a step-mom, but it might be the closest thing that I ever get. Even thought its not exactly what I want I am completely excited over it. I am sure that some of you experienced parents may think I am nuts but I really want to experience things like my child (step child) misbehaving, them being sick or hurt (which will scare the life out of me), being told "no" when telling them to do something, and all of these things.... I want to experience the good things too of course. This is all really like a dream come true for me. Should their Mom stumble upon this, I really want her to know how very special this whole thing is to me. I will cherish every single moment I get with her children and treat them as though they were my own (while respecting her of course). The bond that I will have with them will be so special and dear to my heart, to my soul. Allowing us to do this for the kids and for her, its really a gift. Their Mom has been through a lot and doesn't live an easy life, yet she wants whats best for her children. For that I give her all the respect in the world. These kids are going to be the luckiest kids in the world! They now have a Mom, step-Mom, Dad, 3 sets of grandparents, tons of aunts, uncles and cousins and a whole world of people that are going to love and cherish every moment.

Messy mess.....

I am a mess today. Woke up this morning with huge bags under my eyes and feeling exhausted. If you know me out side of blog world then you know that something is brewing and going on but I cant just come out and say it just yet. Of course, recent happenings have me wondering if it will happen at all. it’s all a mix of worry, emotions, stress and piles and piles of paper work. Aside from that, work has gotten a little better this week. I had a stressful couple of days but nothing like I was having before. Could be because my vacation is coming up or that I have stress in other areas of my life that is taking away from what I am feeling at work. Either way, I didn’t feel like I wanted to run away when I got to work every day of last week. Well that’s all for now, may I will post again later today with more details or maybe not….

Once again its been a long time since I last posted. Life has been very busy again. In the end of May I slipped through a puddle of unattended and unwarned vomit and nearly fell. The vomit slide caused a piece of the cartridge in my right knee to rip off, which of course resulted in arthroscopic surgery. I did contact an attorney just to make sure that everything was taken care of correctly. The outcome of it all looks to be a few months off. Work has brought out a new level of stress and issues as well. So much so that other companies job offers have become more and more interesting to me. The issue is that I really like the company that I work for and I like my job. However, there are many other issues that are exceedingly troubling and are upsetting me more and more as the days go by. Recently, nearly every day, I have considered quitting. Honestly the things that are issues really shouldn't be issues and shouldn't be happening. I cant really say what the future there holds for me or even if I will stay. Its very difficult and complicated. What seems to get me through the days is the fact that my co-workers are mostly experiencing the same dissatisfaction. Today I realized that September is nearly here and the vacation time that I scheduled, to assure that I would have the first week of school off to be fully supportive of our adopted child in a new environment, is just around the corner. Of course, the adopted child I hoped to have is not here and this is adding to my stress. Several times I have allowed myself to think about giving up, just the thought causes my eyes to swell with tears, my heart to sink, and my stomach to turn. I think I will spend my vacation making some changes in our little house and trying to get it ready for us to refile for adoption. Lots of things to do. It seems that even just the thought of preparing for our unknown child to be makes me feel a little bit happier. Of course, my changes to our little house may not matter as we may make a big move again but that is yet to be known.

Restoring Hope

It feels like it has been a year since I last posted here. In truth its only been a few months since we were given the devastating news that we would have to put a stop to our adoption process. We were both completely crushed. The whole event was so traumatizing that it felt as our children had died right in front of us. For months we had been struggling to keep up with bill and everything in an apartment complex that we hated because it was the perfect place to have a child. After some long thought and discussion we moved and are now in a small house in Tacoma and we are much happier there. If someone had told me when we moved into "the perfect complex" that we would move 6 months later to Hill Top to get a good nights sleep and away from all of the drama and insanity, I would have said that someone was nuts, but that is exactly what happened. Our new house is only a 2 bedroom, so when we adopt it will be either 1 child or 2 of the same sex. We are not set up for 2 but it could easily be done. Actually at this point we are not set up for any children as 2 of our dogs and things that have not gone into the storage shed yet are in that bed room. We have a very long "to do" list before we are ready to try this all again. This time though, there is nothing they can do to surprise me. They really caught us off guard, even though I knew that there would be some issues, tell us to stop completely for 2 years was a shock. Based on what they told me then, 2 years is not really correct, in fact its more like 1.5 years. So, next spring, we will be reapplying, and I will be ready for anything they have to throw at us. When I go to sleep every night I see my child, I hear her voice, I feel her skin against mine as I hug her. Some times waking up is so hard and such a punishment.

Broken Bits

I feel broken down, my body aches
My heart it bleeds from past mistakes
I can't stop the tears, they fall like rain
The words are spinning 'round my brain
So scared and feeling so alone
The coldness fills my every bone
No food, no sleep, can't think at all
Each way I turn, another wall
This darkness haunts my very soul
My world seems dead I've lost all control
The only weapon is my pen
Do I really have the strength to start again

Why me.....why us?

Although I am trying very hard to hold it together right I feel like I am failing.

My fear of the background check has become a reality. Sometimes the dumbest thing can put a big road block up that stops you in your tracks. We have been forced to withdraw our fost/adopt application and to re-apply in 2014, yes 2-0-1-4. My heart is broken. The phone call came while I was on my way home from work, I had just been day dreaming about taking our children to visit family in Nevada.

Before I continue know that we will re-apply.

What I don't understand is why something so small is such a big deal and why that should stop two wonderful and loving people from becoming parents when people that hurt and have a history of hurting and doing bad things to children become parents naturally and through the foster care system all the time. What did we do in life that was so bad as to keep us from becoming parents.

I feel very punished for crimes that I am not aware of. Is there really a God and I am being punished because I don't believe in God. Lots of people don't believe in God and they become parents everyday, lots of them are mean and evil people. "God" wouldn't let that happen would it/he/she? I am so numb right now. Maybe its not some punishment from a God that I do no believe in but a punishment from many gods that I have lost contact with. The reality is that I don't know what I have done to make this happen to me.

Anyone wanting to say "its not your fault" can just shut up right now. No matter which way you try to spin it, the fact that I am not going to be a Mom this year is fully my fault.

2 more years....it seems like forever.

Someday, I will be a Mom.....someday. When that day comes I will be the happiest person on the face of the planet.

In the mean time....I need to reconnect with my religion, any religion for that matter. I need to find me, with in me, and bring me out again. And someplace, my child waits, maybe our children wait.......I will find them, someday.

PROGRESS!!

We got a call from our social worker last night and we have meetings with her in two weeks! She is going to meet with us in her office first and we are meeting with her separately. I knew that she would do an interview with us one at a time but I thought it would be in our home. So I am a little relieved that it will not be in our home (although she will be coming over at some point). At the same time the individual interviews not being in our home make me a little nervous.

Personally I know that I will do fine in the interview and give all of the right answers. I am not trying to be cocky or think that I am perfect but I always interview well, I retain information really well, and I have been through one of these interviews before. My husband, however, gets nervous easy and you can see that nervousness all over his body. He might be better off if this was in our home where he is more comfortable. I am sure that all will be fine though. My interview is the day before his, so I can come home and go over the questions with him and help him prepare for his interview.

This is such a huge leap forward from where we have been and this means that we are getting very close to finishing our licensing process. Soon, we will be parents! (by soon I mean some time this year)

So whats left now? We still need to get all of our background check information in (we have Paul's, I am just finishing writing out a statement, and my letter is on the way to us and then I need to write out a statement). We have our first interviews scheduled for 2 weeks from now, and then its the home visit and that I think that just might be it!! All done! Of course, often times we have to do a second home visit because we could be missing something. I will be going over the check list and making sure that we have everything, anything that we are missing I will pick up when we get our income taxes back, likely to be February 1st. We will also be getting a van with our tax return. We cant wait for this new chapter in our lives to start!

Excitement!

I couldn't be more excited! Our background checks came back, and that is a huge step forward for us! It has been one of my big fears, that something from our past would pop up on a background check and our path to parenthood would come to a halt. We are pleasantly surprised.

Although while reading through our next steps I hear Ricky saying "Lucy, you have some explaining to do" its not as bad or as scary as I feared and the person that is going through all of our information for this part of it is really nice and easy to work with.

So, next up for us is to get a hold of some documents (already sent for), write out some statements (already mostly done), turn those things in and then we should be to the home visit. Things should really start moving fast now!

In a few short months, we WILL be parents!

Our little girl, our first child....she is out there, we just have to find her and bring her home.