Someday...

Someday, all of these hope and dreams and wishes will come true. Someday, this blog will turn from being about my ups and downs and fears, and will be about my life as a Mom. Someday, I will look into my child's eyes for the first time and try to hold back the tears that well in my eyes every time I think about that moment. Someday, my child or children will get mad at me because they want something and I am not allowing them to have it. (it will happen) Someday, my child or children will know that I have wanted them so much and for so long that even when they are angry with me or they have done something wrong that I will still be looking at them with love. Someday, I will hold my child's hand, even if it embarrasses them. Someday, I will get the chance to tell my child or children how much I love them, every day, maybe even many times a day. Someday, my child or children will be sick and I will be there to care for them. Someday, they will make bad choices and do the wrong thing and I will be there to help guide them back to the right road and learn from what they did. Someday, a child will call me Mom and I will try very hard to go with it and be flooded with emotions. Someday, I will read to them and try my best to be silly with them. Someday, I will help my child or children get ready for school and then cry when they leave the first day (or every day for a week or month...). Someday, I will show a child that even though they were not created in my body that they were created by my love and that I fought to find them and be their Mom.

Letter to my daughter, where ever you are.

Dear Yzabella, Today is the second day of school. I can only imagine the wonderful things your doing and bright and beautiful person your becoming. It is very hard for me not to be with you but I hope that we are together soon. At the beginning of every school year I think about taking you school shopping and how hard it will be for me to drop you off for your first day of school. My heart aches when I know that this is another school year, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and other holidays with out you. Someday I hope to find you. I have no idea what grade your in or what school you are in. I only know you as Yzabella as that is your name in my dreams. Every night when I go to sleep you find me in my dreams. I am always happy to see you and hold you tight in my arms. When my alarm clock goes off in the morning it is very difficult to leave you. Once I am awake I can still feel your presence and smell you on my skin. Our souls are joined and they have been for years. Some day I hope to find you and truly hold you in my arms forever. Until we are together, please keep faith in me and know that I am searching for you and trying to find a way to bring us together. I love you so much that I do not have words to describe it. Stay safe, be a good girl, and I will see you tonight in my dreams. Love Always, Mom

Fingers Crossed

As of yesterday I am on vacation this week! No, I am not going any place but I have a lot to do. Providing that things go according to plan today I am going to be preparing our home for children! Yes, you read that right. The whole thing is a long story that I don't want to post all over the internet but the gist of it all is that my husband is the legal (although not actual) father of a set of twins (boy and a girl). They are not living with their Mom currently and she has agreed to allow us to have custody. I know, the plan doesn't make it permanent but in the future we are going to file to make it permanent and change the kids last names (yes, Mom agreed to that too, actually she suggested it). Really it has me all in a bit of a panic. Wanting to make sure that I have every last detail and know every last detail of every law around this. I am sure that if you listened to my thoughts that you would think that I am either a law dictionary or I have gone mad. Truly I am sort of feeling like both. Currently I am trying really hard not to get my hopes up until the papers have been signed. Once that happens and the ball is rolling then I will be a bouncing mess of energy with 5 million things to do and trying to get them done all at once. My husband is, as always, careful and cautious and hardly wants to talk about it all let alone anything else at this point. We do expect that there is going to be a bit of an uproar by some of the Mom's family, but, when it comes down to it, they don't get a say, in fact I don't get one either. Its all between the legal parents. This may not be my ideal way of becoming a Mom, and in fact I will actually be a step-mom, but it might be the closest thing that I ever get. Even thought its not exactly what I want I am completely excited over it. I am sure that some of you experienced parents may think I am nuts but I really want to experience things like my child (step child) misbehaving, them being sick or hurt (which will scare the life out of me), being told "no" when telling them to do something, and all of these things.... I want to experience the good things too of course. This is all really like a dream come true for me. Should their Mom stumble upon this, I really want her to know how very special this whole thing is to me. I will cherish every single moment I get with her children and treat them as though they were my own (while respecting her of course). The bond that I will have with them will be so special and dear to my heart, to my soul. Allowing us to do this for the kids and for her, its really a gift. Their Mom has been through a lot and doesn't live an easy life, yet she wants whats best for her children. For that I give her all the respect in the world. These kids are going to be the luckiest kids in the world! They now have a Mom, step-Mom, Dad, 3 sets of grandparents, tons of aunts, uncles and cousins and a whole world of people that are going to love and cherish every moment.