Life isn't fair.

I know that there are people out there that don't understand why I am so upset right now, its my birthday so I should be happy right? If you think that then your nuts!

34, yes that's right I am really really in my mid thirties and I am disgusted by it. No, I didn't wake up this morning and find gray hair. No, I don't feel like I look or feel my age. And no, I am not a Mom nor will my children (should I ever have any through adoption or natural) be my Dad's first grandchildren even though I am his only child.

I feel wronged and as though something has been stolen from me and its not the first time either. All of the things that should have been me are someone else and they don't care. No, I don't feel like they are currently intentionally rubbing it in my face but when I see pictures of my Dad in a t-shirt that says "grandpa" on it, it hurts me because that's not me, my child, or a genetic relation. I feel like my family has been ripped from me and although they know I exist they cut me out of their lives a little more everyday. All I really want is family, that connection, and I don't have it and I don't think that I ever will.

Life just isn't fair.

Leave me alone on my birthday.....

We are at that time of the year again and this year is feeling worse than all others before. This year will be a big 10 year mark for me.

When I was about 10 or 12, Gram (my Grandmother on my Mom's side) was asking me about my plans for life, when did I want to get married, have children and so on. I did a lot of thinking about this. How old would I be when I graduated high school, did I want to go to college and if so how long would that take and so on. After a day or so I came to an answer, I wanted to get married around age 20 and have a child when I was 24 and maybe more after that.

So we are....nearly 34, had my plan come true I would have a 10 year old this year but I have no children.

At age 25 I had the realization that I might not be able to have children and had been to several doctors and been through several treatments and had already had a couple of miscarriages and I made the decision then that if I did not have a successful pregnancy by 28 that I would adopt a child and hoped to be a parent before I was 30.

The years keep coming and going and still I have no children, I have had 13 miscarriages that were confirmed pregnancies and a few that I think I was pregnant but didn't test, and now I have not had a pregnancy in years.

So although I know that some of my friends, family and my husband want to do something on my birthday or for my birthday, don't. In case you have forgotten I have spent an entire birthday in tears before, frustrated and irritated with life. I don't want to go out, I don't want to go to dinner, I don't really want anything that someone can give me (unless of course you would like me to adopt your child), and I am really not wanting to hear or see any "Happy Birthday" remarks at all. Its not a happy birthday, its a reminder of what I don't have and who I am not and what goals in life I have not succeeded at.