Broken Bits

I feel broken down, my body aches
My heart it bleeds from past mistakes
I can't stop the tears, they fall like rain
The words are spinning 'round my brain
So scared and feeling so alone
The coldness fills my every bone
No food, no sleep, can't think at all
Each way I turn, another wall
This darkness haunts my very soul
My world seems dead I've lost all control
The only weapon is my pen
Do I really have the strength to start again

Why me.....why us?

Although I am trying very hard to hold it together right I feel like I am failing.

My fear of the background check has become a reality. Sometimes the dumbest thing can put a big road block up that stops you in your tracks. We have been forced to withdraw our fost/adopt application and to re-apply in 2014, yes 2-0-1-4. My heart is broken. The phone call came while I was on my way home from work, I had just been day dreaming about taking our children to visit family in Nevada.

Before I continue know that we will re-apply.

What I don't understand is why something so small is such a big deal and why that should stop two wonderful and loving people from becoming parents when people that hurt and have a history of hurting and doing bad things to children become parents naturally and through the foster care system all the time. What did we do in life that was so bad as to keep us from becoming parents.

I feel very punished for crimes that I am not aware of. Is there really a God and I am being punished because I don't believe in God. Lots of people don't believe in God and they become parents everyday, lots of them are mean and evil people. "God" wouldn't let that happen would it/he/she? I am so numb right now. Maybe its not some punishment from a God that I do no believe in but a punishment from many gods that I have lost contact with. The reality is that I don't know what I have done to make this happen to me.

Anyone wanting to say "its not your fault" can just shut up right now. No matter which way you try to spin it, the fact that I am not going to be a Mom this year is fully my fault.

2 more years....it seems like forever.

Someday, I will be a Mom.....someday. When that day comes I will be the happiest person on the face of the planet.

In the mean time....I need to reconnect with my religion, any religion for that matter. I need to find me, with in me, and bring me out again. And someplace, my child waits, maybe our children wait.......I will find them, someday.

PROGRESS!!

We got a call from our social worker last night and we have meetings with her in two weeks! She is going to meet with us in her office first and we are meeting with her separately. I knew that she would do an interview with us one at a time but I thought it would be in our home. So I am a little relieved that it will not be in our home (although she will be coming over at some point). At the same time the individual interviews not being in our home make me a little nervous.

Personally I know that I will do fine in the interview and give all of the right answers. I am not trying to be cocky or think that I am perfect but I always interview well, I retain information really well, and I have been through one of these interviews before. My husband, however, gets nervous easy and you can see that nervousness all over his body. He might be better off if this was in our home where he is more comfortable. I am sure that all will be fine though. My interview is the day before his, so I can come home and go over the questions with him and help him prepare for his interview.

This is such a huge leap forward from where we have been and this means that we are getting very close to finishing our licensing process. Soon, we will be parents! (by soon I mean some time this year)

So whats left now? We still need to get all of our background check information in (we have Paul's, I am just finishing writing out a statement, and my letter is on the way to us and then I need to write out a statement). We have our first interviews scheduled for 2 weeks from now, and then its the home visit and that I think that just might be it!! All done! Of course, often times we have to do a second home visit because we could be missing something. I will be going over the check list and making sure that we have everything, anything that we are missing I will pick up when we get our income taxes back, likely to be February 1st. We will also be getting a van with our tax return. We cant wait for this new chapter in our lives to start!

Excitement!

I couldn't be more excited! Our background checks came back, and that is a huge step forward for us! It has been one of my big fears, that something from our past would pop up on a background check and our path to parenthood would come to a halt. We are pleasantly surprised.

Although while reading through our next steps I hear Ricky saying "Lucy, you have some explaining to do" its not as bad or as scary as I feared and the person that is going through all of our information for this part of it is really nice and easy to work with.

So, next up for us is to get a hold of some documents (already sent for), write out some statements (already mostly done), turn those things in and then we should be to the home visit. Things should really start moving fast now!

In a few short months, we WILL be parents!

Our little girl, our first child....she is out there, we just have to find her and bring her home.