Why me.....why us?

Although I am trying very hard to hold it together right I feel like I am failing.

My fear of the background check has become a reality. Sometimes the dumbest thing can put a big road block up that stops you in your tracks. We have been forced to withdraw our fost/adopt application and to re-apply in 2014, yes 2-0-1-4. My heart is broken. The phone call came while I was on my way home from work, I had just been day dreaming about taking our children to visit family in Nevada.

Before I continue know that we will re-apply.

What I don't understand is why something so small is such a big deal and why that should stop two wonderful and loving people from becoming parents when people that hurt and have a history of hurting and doing bad things to children become parents naturally and through the foster care system all the time. What did we do in life that was so bad as to keep us from becoming parents.

I feel very punished for crimes that I am not aware of. Is there really a God and I am being punished because I don't believe in God. Lots of people don't believe in God and they become parents everyday, lots of them are mean and evil people. "God" wouldn't let that happen would it/he/she? I am so numb right now. Maybe its not some punishment from a God that I do no believe in but a punishment from many gods that I have lost contact with. The reality is that I don't know what I have done to make this happen to me.

Anyone wanting to say "its not your fault" can just shut up right now. No matter which way you try to spin it, the fact that I am not going to be a Mom this year is fully my fault.

2 more years....it seems like forever.

Someday, I will be a Mom.....someday. When that day comes I will be the happiest person on the face of the planet.

In the mean time....I need to reconnect with my religion, any religion for that matter. I need to find me, with in me, and bring me out again. And someplace, my child waits, maybe our children wait.......I will find them, someday.

PROGRESS!!

We got a call from our social worker last night and we have meetings with her in two weeks! She is going to meet with us in her office first and we are meeting with her separately. I knew that she would do an interview with us one at a time but I thought it would be in our home. So I am a little relieved that it will not be in our home (although she will be coming over at some point). At the same time the individual interviews not being in our home make me a little nervous.

Personally I know that I will do fine in the interview and give all of the right answers. I am not trying to be cocky or think that I am perfect but I always interview well, I retain information really well, and I have been through one of these interviews before. My husband, however, gets nervous easy and you can see that nervousness all over his body. He might be better off if this was in our home where he is more comfortable. I am sure that all will be fine though. My interview is the day before his, so I can come home and go over the questions with him and help him prepare for his interview.

This is such a huge leap forward from where we have been and this means that we are getting very close to finishing our licensing process. Soon, we will be parents! (by soon I mean some time this year)

So whats left now? We still need to get all of our background check information in (we have Paul's, I am just finishing writing out a statement, and my letter is on the way to us and then I need to write out a statement). We have our first interviews scheduled for 2 weeks from now, and then its the home visit and that I think that just might be it!! All done! Of course, often times we have to do a second home visit because we could be missing something. I will be going over the check list and making sure that we have everything, anything that we are missing I will pick up when we get our income taxes back, likely to be February 1st. We will also be getting a van with our tax return. We cant wait for this new chapter in our lives to start!

Excitement!

I couldn't be more excited! Our background checks came back, and that is a huge step forward for us! It has been one of my big fears, that something from our past would pop up on a background check and our path to parenthood would come to a halt. We are pleasantly surprised.

Although while reading through our next steps I hear Ricky saying "Lucy, you have some explaining to do" its not as bad or as scary as I feared and the person that is going through all of our information for this part of it is really nice and easy to work with.

So, next up for us is to get a hold of some documents (already sent for), write out some statements (already mostly done), turn those things in and then we should be to the home visit. Things should really start moving fast now!

In a few short months, we WILL be parents!

Our little girl, our first child....she is out there, we just have to find her and bring her home.

AHHHHH!

Today has been a really crappy day. I am completely stressed and feel like I am on the brink of snapping any moment. Granted, Mondays are usually rough at work but this one hit me even harder and most of it had nothing to do with work at all.

I hate to get overly personal but if your a woman you might understand this one. Have you ever had a late period? The one that you know is coming but its stalled for no reason at all. Your hormones are at their peak, everything irritates you, your head throbs with vicious head aches, you want to eat everything in sight, and you have cramps like you have never had before.

Needless to say everything at work today feels like it went wrong, I couldn't get anything right, my boss seemed annoyed with me (I was annoyed with everyone), our weekly supervisor meeting lasted 45 minutes longer than it should have (with my husband blowing up my phone, that was on vibrate in my pocket, because I hadn't text him yet) and the day just sucked.

On my way home I stopped at the store to get some medicated shampoo for the dogs because they are pulling their fur out due to some weird itchy dry skin thing (no fleas) and everyone in the store was in my way. I get out of the store and bump the van next to me with my hip and the woman in the van glares at me like I smacked it with a hammer and left a fat dent. All this while talking on the phone with my husband who wouldn't stop talking long enough to hear anything I said to him.

Once I was finally headed down the road my husband called me again to tell me about a letter that we got from DSHS. Again they have sent our adoption papers back to us saying that things were not in our paper work and those things ARE in the paper work. I am so sick of that! Last time they even highlighted answers to questions saying that I didn't answer them. All this when I thought that we were done with all of the paper work from the application.

Its 5:45pm, my husband is off work at 6:30pm, I haven't made dinner, I don't want to make dinner and I don't really want to eat anything at all. I just want a hot cup of tea, my PJ's, a movie on my lap top and to be in bed. I am really done with this day.

Long Time, No Post....

I know, its been a long time since I last posted and I keep saying that I am gong to get better at posting more often. Well, here is a quick list of things that have happened since my last post:

I am now a supervisor at work.

I am working on loosing weight (still/again).

My Dad came to visit for Thanksgiving, it was sooooo good to see him!

I have started couponing and even did a class on it at work.

All of our adoption papers are finally in and today we go to get our finger prints. We still have a long road in front of us, well maybe not so long. I really depends on what comes back on our FBI checks and what we will need to get. Its likely going to be a bit of calling/writing to courts to get documents if they exist. I talked to the woman who does the checks and she also agreed that she doesn't see anything that we listed that could cause any major issues, a few more hoops to jump through, but no major issues. (yes, I am still nervous about that, nervous about anything that could lead to a no)

Paul and I are trying to stop talking about having a child as a "future child" or anything of the sort and trying to start talking about the fact that we do have a child but that our child is not living with us right now and that we are doing everything we can to bring her home. For the moment we have decided that we will only adopt one child, a girl. Later on we will likely adopt again.

Since we have been getting ourselves into the thought pattern that we have a daughter and that she is just not here right now, I have picked up several things for her. Nothing big, just little things that any girl would like. Hair accessories, nail polish and things like that. Of course, with couponing I was able to get these items free or nearly free. That really excites me because I know that I will be able to get her all sorts of little things that make a little girl fee special. I cant wait till she is here!

Life isn't fair.

I know that there are people out there that don't understand why I am so upset right now, its my birthday so I should be happy right? If you think that then your nuts!

34, yes that's right I am really really in my mid thirties and I am disgusted by it. No, I didn't wake up this morning and find gray hair. No, I don't feel like I look or feel my age. And no, I am not a Mom nor will my children (should I ever have any through adoption or natural) be my Dad's first grandchildren even though I am his only child.

I feel wronged and as though something has been stolen from me and its not the first time either. All of the things that should have been me are someone else and they don't care. No, I don't feel like they are currently intentionally rubbing it in my face but when I see pictures of my Dad in a t-shirt that says "grandpa" on it, it hurts me because that's not me, my child, or a genetic relation. I feel like my family has been ripped from me and although they know I exist they cut me out of their lives a little more everyday. All I really want is family, that connection, and I don't have it and I don't think that I ever will.

Life just isn't fair.

Leave me alone on my birthday.....

We are at that time of the year again and this year is feeling worse than all others before. This year will be a big 10 year mark for me.

When I was about 10 or 12, Gram (my Grandmother on my Mom's side) was asking me about my plans for life, when did I want to get married, have children and so on. I did a lot of thinking about this. How old would I be when I graduated high school, did I want to go to college and if so how long would that take and so on. After a day or so I came to an answer, I wanted to get married around age 20 and have a child when I was 24 and maybe more after that.

So we are....nearly 34, had my plan come true I would have a 10 year old this year but I have no children.

At age 25 I had the realization that I might not be able to have children and had been to several doctors and been through several treatments and had already had a couple of miscarriages and I made the decision then that if I did not have a successful pregnancy by 28 that I would adopt a child and hoped to be a parent before I was 30.

The years keep coming and going and still I have no children, I have had 13 miscarriages that were confirmed pregnancies and a few that I think I was pregnant but didn't test, and now I have not had a pregnancy in years.

So although I know that some of my friends, family and my husband want to do something on my birthday or for my birthday, don't. In case you have forgotten I have spent an entire birthday in tears before, frustrated and irritated with life. I don't want to go out, I don't want to go to dinner, I don't really want anything that someone can give me (unless of course you would like me to adopt your child), and I am really not wanting to hear or see any "Happy Birthday" remarks at all. Its not a happy birthday, its a reminder of what I don't have and who I am not and what goals in life I have not succeeded at.