Why me.....why us?

Although I am trying very hard to hold it together right I feel like I am failing.

My fear of the background check has become a reality. Sometimes the dumbest thing can put a big road block up that stops you in your tracks. We have been forced to withdraw our fost/adopt application and to re-apply in 2014, yes 2-0-1-4. My heart is broken. The phone call came while I was on my way home from work, I had just been day dreaming about taking our children to visit family in Nevada.

Before I continue know that we will re-apply.

What I don't understand is why something so small is such a big deal and why that should stop two wonderful and loving people from becoming parents when people that hurt and have a history of hurting and doing bad things to children become parents naturally and through the foster care system all the time. What did we do in life that was so bad as to keep us from becoming parents.

I feel very punished for crimes that I am not aware of. Is there really a God and I am being punished because I don't believe in God. Lots of people don't believe in God and they become parents everyday, lots of them are mean and evil people. "God" wouldn't let that happen would it/he/she? I am so numb right now. Maybe its not some punishment from a God that I do no believe in but a punishment from many gods that I have lost contact with. The reality is that I don't know what I have done to make this happen to me.

Anyone wanting to say "its not your fault" can just shut up right now. No matter which way you try to spin it, the fact that I am not going to be a Mom this year is fully my fault.

2 more years....it seems like forever.

Someday, I will be a Mom.....someday. When that day comes I will be the happiest person on the face of the planet.

In the mean time....I need to reconnect with my religion, any religion for that matter. I need to find me, with in me, and bring me out again. And someplace, my child waits, maybe our children wait.......I will find them, someday.