Life isn't fair.

I know that there are people out there that don't understand why I am so upset right now, its my birthday so I should be happy right? If you think that then your nuts!

34, yes that's right I am really really in my mid thirties and I am disgusted by it. No, I didn't wake up this morning and find gray hair. No, I don't feel like I look or feel my age. And no, I am not a Mom nor will my children (should I ever have any through adoption or natural) be my Dad's first grandchildren even though I am his only child.

I feel wronged and as though something has been stolen from me and its not the first time either. All of the things that should have been me are someone else and they don't care. No, I don't feel like they are currently intentionally rubbing it in my face but when I see pictures of my Dad in a t-shirt that says "grandpa" on it, it hurts me because that's not me, my child, or a genetic relation. I feel like my family has been ripped from me and although they know I exist they cut me out of their lives a little more everyday. All I really want is family, that connection, and I don't have it and I don't think that I ever will.

Life just isn't fair.

Leave me alone on my birthday.....

We are at that time of the year again and this year is feeling worse than all others before. This year will be a big 10 year mark for me.

When I was about 10 or 12, Gram (my Grandmother on my Mom's side) was asking me about my plans for life, when did I want to get married, have children and so on. I did a lot of thinking about this. How old would I be when I graduated high school, did I want to go to college and if so how long would that take and so on. After a day or so I came to an answer, I wanted to get married around age 20 and have a child when I was 24 and maybe more after that.

So we are....nearly 34, had my plan come true I would have a 10 year old this year but I have no children.

At age 25 I had the realization that I might not be able to have children and had been to several doctors and been through several treatments and had already had a couple of miscarriages and I made the decision then that if I did not have a successful pregnancy by 28 that I would adopt a child and hoped to be a parent before I was 30.

The years keep coming and going and still I have no children, I have had 13 miscarriages that were confirmed pregnancies and a few that I think I was pregnant but didn't test, and now I have not had a pregnancy in years.

So although I know that some of my friends, family and my husband want to do something on my birthday or for my birthday, don't. In case you have forgotten I have spent an entire birthday in tears before, frustrated and irritated with life. I don't want to go out, I don't want to go to dinner, I don't really want anything that someone can give me (unless of course you would like me to adopt your child), and I am really not wanting to hear or see any "Happy Birthday" remarks at all. Its not a happy birthday, its a reminder of what I don't have and who I am not and what goals in life I have not succeeded at.

Busy week ahead!!

I know its been a long time since I posted.....we have been trying to get everything together and figured out.

This week I am on vacation from work. I don't remember ever having a paid vacation before but I am putting it to good use. I will be spending the week finishing getting our house together for our homestudy and turning in our applications. This is going to be a very busy week!

My plans for today:

Watch CraigsList for stuff that we still need.
Rearrange our bedroom.
Figure out how we are going to have the dogs once we have kids (since 2 of them don't get along with 1)
Move all of our cleaning supplies into our bathroom.
Move all medications/vitamins into our bathroom.
Review information about what we need for our adoption.
Deep clean the apartment.
and on and on and on.....

Long Time No Blogg....

Things have been very busy for us the last few weeks. We have fully moved into and unpacked into our new apartment. There is a play ground right outside our back door and tons of kids here for our future children to play with. Currently we are working on getting the rooms ready. There is no furniture in them at the moment. All that's left to do is send in our paperwork and then the ball will really get moving.

We still need new insurance for the car, get the cats shots, and our doctor appointments for physicals.

Busy, Busy, Busy!

Things have been busy this last week and will only be getting busier.

We got into this really nice apartment complex and we move in next Friday. Paul may or may not have the day off. If he doesn't I am going to try to get as much done on my own (with out hurting myself) as I can. Crossing my fingers in hopes that he does get the day off.

Today is our CPR class and I am not looking forward to it. I don't know why but CPR class always made me uncomfortable, but we will do what we have to do. Also, my shoulder is messed up and causing a lot of pain and that could make class a little difficult. Not to mention making packing difficult and we have a lot of that to do to.



My shoulder seems to have been dislocated, either a little or all the way. The other night Paul rolled over in bed and on me and I woke him up a bit trying to get out from under him. He put his hands down on the bed like you would to do a push up and pushed himself up and over. One of his hands was not on the bed and was on my shoulder. It made two loud snapping noises and has been hurting ever since. Lucky for me a friend of my has muscle relaxers and they are helping a bit with cramped up muscles around the shoulder blade, I have been using a heart shaped heating pad to.

I still cant believe that we got into this apartment complex, its so nice and in a gated community. It has a pool, spa, dry sauna, tanning, indoor full sized basketball court, work out room, play grounds, wood burning fireplace, washer and dryer, its a three bedroom and we are going to be right next to the main play ground! Its perfect!! And it sort of makes me look forward to our homestudy rather than fearing it so much.

We Are Moving!!!

We got the apartment!!! Its beyond perfect!!

We will be moving in next Friday!

Not much left to do before we turn in our fost/adopt application!!!

Leash your freaking dogs!

Some people really amaze me! As part of our fost/adopt paperwork we have to have to get all of our pets up to date on their shots. So, yesterday we took the dogs to a shot clinic in Puyallup. They got their shots, a quick exam, and flea and tick treatment. That all went fairly smooth, what didn't go smooth was caused by some idiot woman and her two unleashed dogs. This mobile clinic advertises all over the place and as part of their ad it clearly reads that all dogs/cats must be leashed or kenneled. So there we are with two of three of our un-other-dog friendly dogs (the 3rd was in the truck) and we are standing there with other people that have cats (the dogs are cat friendly) and we are trying to get paperwork filled out. This woman pulls up, windows rolled down and parks and gets out of her car. One of her dogs jumps right out the door with her and bee lines for our dogs which are now barking like mad dogs and the woman walked slowly at first and then started to run when I started to yell panicky "grab that dog" as I tried to back away as fast as possible with our two dogs. Just as she gets the one the other jumps out of her car window and she couldn't seem to figure out what to do. By now I have the dogs on the other side of our car and Paul is asking for this woman to leash her dogs, but the woman only has 1 leash. I just have to ask why in the world you would to a shot clinic in a parking lot on a busy road with other dogs and people that you don't know and you never know what could possibly happen and only bring 1 leash! Not to mention allowing your dogs to jump from your car and run at other people and their dogs. Had she done what she was supposed to do and followed the rules for the shot clinic we would have had no issues what so ever.



Today I ran into more unleashed dog issues. Since we are really hoping to get into this other apartment complex (the one I mentioned yesterday) and the apartment they want to place us in is right next to the main playground in the complex, I had planned to really work hard with our dogs over the next two weeks about barking, barking/reacting to kids and other dogs, and their manners at the door when going in an out and I had planned on spending at least 20 minuets a day doing this with a walk. I figured the walk would be good for them and good for me too. So we walked to leave the complex and I was going to walk them down a near by road that has many dogs behind fences and kids every where. I couldn't even make it out of the complex. We got near the exit and this little dachshund runs out from near an apartment barking and charging us. Our dogs are little (about 25 pounds if that) but this dog meant business. The owner ran out just in the nick of time and grabbed her dog. Disappointing, we wouldn't be getting out of the complex but I didn't want our 20 minuet walk to turn into 5 so we went the other direction to walk around the complex a bit. Just as I go to the other side we came across another unleashed dog of about the same size as the first one (but different color). I never saw an owner for this one but I was able to get away from it with out a dog fight.

I just don't understand how pet owners can be so irresponsible. In neither case were we in a dog park, in a place where there are not leash laws, nor were we in a place where we were not likely to come across other people and their dogs, in fact its the opposite on all accounts. Whats more is that when they have to run after their unleashed dogs that are coming towards mine they look at me like I am the bad one, they are the ones breaking the law and being stupid.

AHHHHHH!


**side note, we have not heard back about the apartment yet, fingers crossed**